i've got a secret

i can't share it yet, but i will soon... maybe tomorrow.

***polaroid sx 70, blend film, expired, no filter.

getting well

so i am back at work only 3 days after all my medical "issues", sucks, but i have to make money. it's actually sort of ironic that i hurried back at all because upon my arrival i learned that the museum is in the middle of a "budget crisis" and people are getting axed left and right.... and well... i'm pretty sure i will be one of them.
why is it that bad news never comes at a good time?
surprisingly i am upbeat about it all. i mean despite the prospect of being jobless i am just happy that i am healthy. the past few days were really sort of scary for me - my recovery wasn't as graceful or swift as i had anticipated it to be, but at this point i am just gritting me teeth and bearing it... fingers crossed that my job can be intact for at least another month or long enough for me to arrange for something else. it really sort of depresses me to think about how after 2 degrees and a masters in progress i may be back to waiting tabels for a little while. i am trying not to dwell on it, but it's hard when it's not make believe anymore.

i spoke to my mom this morning. i am always so scared to tell her bad news. i don't want to dissapoint her or make her feel like she has to support me financially... at my age i should be able to stand on my own two feet. i'd say it's 50% in my mind and 50% truth. either way i am working on it. our talk was good. i got to fill her in on my love life, which is the only good thing working for me at the moment. i told her about work and she said if they try to low ball me with an hr/pay cut i should stand up for myself, and money is money, and that there is no shame in rolling up your sleeves to make ends meet. i want her to meet b so she can see how wonderful he really is. i told her about his endless generosity and how he's been taking care of me lately. she said he sounds like a keeper. and that he is!

this polaroid is not like me, but oddly i am drawn to it. i never shoot flowers, not to say that floral and nature shots aren't important or of value. it's just not my typical style i suppose. i think what i like most about this polaroid is how it reminds me of this floor lenght dress my mother used to wear. i see it vividly in my mind - her wild black hair, curling around her tanned shoulders, as she glides across a room or a field or some place in my mind in a long summer dress. tiny pink petals dancing across the fabric as if she had swept up a boquet of no name wild flowers and sprinkled them on top of her body.

*polaroid sx-70 alpha, 600 film expired, no filter.

...

alot is going on all at once - as life would normally have it to do.

i'm feeling worse and worse each day. i can hardly sleep at night, my entire body aches, and all i can do is just learn how to deal with it, till D day.

on top of that i am stressing about money...and the only thing i hate more than stressing about money IS money.

i hate how it governs our lives - what we will do, what we wont, if we will eat, if we will not.

i am really struggling to find peace right now.
i've been going for walks and meditating.

i imagine something simple - a hand for example. then i focus all of my attention on this hand.

i remove every other thought inside my head - pain, money, bills, hunger, school, work, people, doubt, fear, love.... until i hear nothing, until there are no distractions, just this one single thought.

you see, it's not really about the hand. it's about removing yourself from the mental build up of stress - that very thing which is a personal prison for me. meditating is simply my way of getting back to simplicity and to finding that feeling again... the one i used to have as a kid - where i would suddenly feel something extrodinary inside my chest that i understood as happiness, because everything i needed i had, and that meant there was nothing to worry about.

slowly with vigillance i will get there.

life is beautiful

sometimes, when things are so horrific... so unimaginably painful... so terrifyingly scary.... i imagine i am floating in the sky. i am soaring above towns and cities, spotting tiny cars, with even tinier people driving them, going about their tiny little lives, to jobs and homes all smaller than my pinky toe nail.

like the games of a child... i pretend that i am soaring through the sky and all of my problems are the size of a pea in comparison to the great wide world beneath me.

and life is beautiful.

(if you do not know what i am talking about in the slightest, then perhaps you have never endured a hardship, or maybe you have no imagination, in which case... you should watch this.

life is beautiful. sometimes it's just a matter of thinking.

this makes me happy

i feel horrible because i have not blogged in over a week!!! but this does not mean that there hasn't been anything going on. actually it's the exact opposite. so much has been happening that i haven't had very much time to document it.

right now i am sitting on my couch with a box fan pointing right at my face because it is 90 degrees in my house. YES.... the AC is broken again and i am uploading my polaroids from a week ago, half deaf in one ear while the turbo blasting, jet engine fan attempts to cool me off.

from all the polaroids i took on our trip i have to say that the one's with b in them are my favorite. i really like the sea horse, star fish, wind chimes too... but when i think of my time in st. augustine i think of b and how he made me feel so special, and beautiful, and happy.

even though it was like pulling teeth to get a photo of him... he doesn't think he is photogenic, i'd like to disagree.

now that i've been home a lot has happened. beyond the AC breaking down once again, i've learned some more shocking "health" news about myself. although i love sharing the ups and downs of my life with you all, there are some things that deserve to be kept unsaid... suffice it to say i am not dying and i will have a minor surgery next week, all in all it is just another "thing" i will have to push through, overcome, and chalk up as a learning experience.

there is so much on my plate right now, it's overwhelming to think about. last night i woke up at 4 am, restless from the aches, and i just laid there for an hour - eyes open, tossing and turning, worrying myself awake. i ended up telling myself "colie, go back to sleep. there is nothing you will figure out at 4:30 am that can solve all of these problems. at least enjoy this peace and quiet while you can." so i did.

life is so complicating. it really is. we can't escape the ups and downs. all we can do is approach them one at a time with patience, stay positive and hopeful, and never be afraid to ask for help.

:)

**

the good thing about taking chances is that sometimes they actually pay off...

i just got back from a mini escape with an amazing person.

i took a ton of polaroids and am so excited to share them, but it will take a few more days of uploading and collaging.

also, i am working on a mini book. it will be a collection of travel photos, some text as well... i am really excited about this project and i will be selling these books too, for really cheap.

if anyone else is interested i'd love to know and maybe even get some input from you on what you think you'd like to see.

***

sometimes it is hard for me to accept when someone likes me beyond my gimics.

i don't doubt their sincerity. i doubt my self. which, in essence means i doubt my worth and that is sad.

i told myself that it was a saftey mechanism, but in reality it was anything but safe. deliberate heart break is self destructive, even when you are the one breaking hearts.

in the past i jumped into relationships too quickly, then after i got to know this other person i realized they weren't for me, or i was scared to make take the next step, or not ready, or already interested in someone else, or unwilling to move on... i habitually sabotaged any chance these relationships had to succeed.

truthfully i think i was unsure of what i needed in a man and i was shit scared to be completely honest, especially with myself.

so these past few months i have been working on this. i have been getting comfortable with myself and learning what it is i yearn for in another.

it wasn't until a few weeks ago that i met b. i think in my mind i actually said "oh shit" when i saw him walking up to me. after one conversation i knew that i wanted to be with him. i can't remember what we talked about, all i recall is how he looked me dead in the eyes the entire time.

maybe i am not ready? i am ready! maybe i should pace myself? yes, i think i will...

either way i have decided to take that chance and i am patiently pursuing him.

one day at a time i am learning his smiles and freckles and silly mannerisms... and although i haven't gotten it all figured out yet, every day we spend together i honestly learn a little bit more about what i need.

***the photos above are taken with my SX 70 Alpha, no auto focus, self timer, with 600 film, and an ND filter.

b is for beautiful...

i have been spending a lot of time with a very beautiful person.
a person who is never negative, or selfish, or unkind to me.


at night we lye on our backs, stare up at the ceiling, and talk about our lives...
all the places we've seen, the people we've met, and moments we hold onto that help define who we are... i tell him about my adventures overseas, stories of my father, and growing up with a crazy arabic mother. i show him my polaroids and he holds my hand. he tells me stories of his childhood, about being on the road for 3 years, and i believe his skin isthe softest i ever touched in the entire world...


and then for some unmistakable reason we start to laugh. we laugh and laugh until our faces hurt... why? i can't even begin to say. maybe it's because i've said something stupid, maybe it's because our legs have tangled themselves together in a complicated knot and his icy feet tickle the backs of my calves, or maybe it's because we are happy in this moment in time...


either way our time together has been amazing, and i find my self fortunate to know such a beautiful person.