September 19, 2008

...



alot is going on all at once - as life would normally have it to do.

i'm feeling worse and worse each day. i can hardly sleep at night, my entire body aches, and all i can do is just learn how to deal with it, till D day.

on top of that i am stressing about money...and the only thing i hate more than stressing about money IS money.

i hate how it governs our lives - what we will do, what we wont, if we will eat, if we will not.

i am really struggling to find peace right now.
i've been going for walks and meditating.
i imagine something simple - a hand for example. then i focus all of my attention on this hand.
i remove every other thought inside my head - pain, money, bills, hunger, school, work, people, doubt, fear, love.... until i hear nothing, until there are no distractions, just this one single thought.

you see, it's not really about the hand. it's about removing yourself from the mental build up of stress - that very thing which is a personal prison for me. meditating is simply my way of getting back to simplicity and to finding that feeling again... the one i used to have as a kid - where i would suddenly feel something extrodinary inside my chest that i understood as happiness, because everything i needed i had, and that meant there was nothing to worry about.


slowly with vigillance i will get there.

4 comments:

  1. I am sure you will. I have been reading your blog for a while now and always found it very positive. Your pictures are amazing probably because they are true expressions of your authenticity. They are in line with what you say. That is a great strength, not just in terms of your pictures but also in terms of how you live your life. It's all an experience, and even the hard ones make funny stories later on...

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  2. thank you so much dear anonymous friend :)

    that blesses me in ways you can not begin to understand.

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  3. I remember sitting anxiously in a waiting room once. Looking up I noticed a sign on the counter which read "Be still... and know that I am God".

    Now I am not a particularly religious person... but for some strange reason that message really resonated with me. I think it reminded me that in all of life there are greater powers at play. Our lives are already written. All we have to do is have a little faith... then sit back relax and let it flow.

    Whatever it is that is troubling you Colie... let it float!

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