August 5, 2008

god speed

i am diving head first into the unknown. i am stepping out into a new direction and taking the plunge.
i can't hide the fact that i am scared and terribly unprepared. i have no idea what's to come of my future in the next couple of months, but i will seek solace in my ability to adapt and endure.

for the past two years i've been riding the wave of "just getting by".
i wake up every morning and i reluctantly get ready to go to my boring little job. i sit and stare at a computer screen all day long. i don't get a paid lunch break. i don't get paid vacations, or benefits, or sick leave. i am the museum mule who works weekends.

sometimes if i am lucky i meet an interesting visitor who is inspired by the art. they tell me their stories, their philosophies on the folk movement, and beliefs in supporting nonprofit organizations in orlando. i chime back in sincerity, beaming with love because i truly care about these things as well. then they leave, and i go back to staring at the computer screen... hating my job.

this job debacle is only the tip of my quarter life crisis iceberg... it seems i have been "just getting by" in every department of my life these days - just getting by with enough money to barely peek my head out of my financial hole, just getting by with enough time to spend with boys who just barely keep my interest, just getting by with enough motivation to challenge myself artistically.

a few weeks ago i had the luxury to break away from my slump and i high tailed it out of the "city without any pity". i traveled the open road. i visited the forgotten places of my youth and i reconnected with a part of myself that has been hidden away for quite some time. it inspired wells of change inside of me. it made me begin to ask myself "why" in all the categories of my life that have been plaguing me.

"why are you still in this house if you can't afford it?"
"why are you lonely when you have people around you who love you?"
"why can't you finish the things that you start?"
"why are you so damn unsatisfied?"

i thought that once i got home things would be changed, but after a week went by all i noticed was how annoyed i was with everything and everyone around me. i couldn't go back to the way things were before i left because none of it seemed worth while anymore.

technology also seemed to be pissing me off big time. i started leaving my cell phone in my desk drawer during the day. i went out and bought a couple of new books and canceled the cable. if i needed to get online and get some photo work done i saved it for office hours - since i am mindlessly staring at a computer screen all day anyways, i might as well be staring at something i like looking at.

but, even after all these little adjustments i still felt bothered.
so, contradictory to the academic sabbatical i had planned for myself this year, i re-enrolled in my last two grad classes for the fall semester. i also made an appointment to meet with my friends mom who is a realtor.... determined to live a life that is challenging, and exhausting from inspiration, not drained from desperation, i am making moves.

what i really don't want to happen again is to sink back into just getting by... even if that means getting up off of my comfy couch and making some major changes.

my goal in all of this is to set myself up with a life that is fulfilling, to push myself a little, and not have to wait for another vacation to see change in myself and to feel inspired again.

baby steps... i'm taking BIG OLD BABY STEPS!!!

*** this photo was shot with a silly underwater cam, but these were taken with the pentax asahi my step dad gave me. i used fuji velvia 50 film/ 35mm format.


  1. do it!
    i just did.
    it made a world of difference.

    good luck :)

  2. change your environment, go live in another city......

  3. You can't grab onto anything new until you let go of what you're hanging onto...reach, baby, reach..