January 8, 2008

england dreaming

i haven't blogged in a month. i have been busy taking photos and dancing in circles and falling in and out of love with a boy who can see strait threw me.

last night i turned off the music, so i could hear the rain outside, and watched marcus pack his bags. i read to him, from the journal i kept during my europe travels. i felt a sadness in my stomach, like the one i get when i can't remember things about my dad. it's the going away thing. i hate it.

so here's some of my summer journal:

Aug. 11th (Saturday i think) - Train from Rome to Positano

i am much much much much more freer. every single thought that runs through my mind is positive and hopeful. they are like focused prayers that are being sent out to the universe and God and my heart and the sun and whatever else that exists around me. last night i sat on a rooftop for 3 hours, staring at the night sky in Rome, talking to Jonsey about my life, my dreams, my past, and everything that matters and doesn't, and how it's all very important and as much a part of me as the air i breathe. i finally realized, for the first time, that i am apart of everything in this world. i am as much of this pen and paper as my finger and toes are as much of me. i don't know why i never conceived this before. i guess i needed to be sitting on a roof in rome to realize it. either way, it's completely freeing, knowing that you are apart of everything and that everything around you is for you and is you. it totally changes your mind set. it's no longer me against the world, it's me and the world together on one level. everything is everything and relevant and necessary to me. i hope i can remember to be like this even after i get re-assimilated back home.
i love that all of us are together on the trip now (me, will, teen, jonsey, and reed). it's a great collective vibe. we are a family. we sing songs in the morning as we pack up our belongings, we challenge each others thinking, we discuss poop, and sex, and God, and seeing the world, and all the big and little things that make us want to keep learning about life.
rome was good to us. the coliseum, and ruins, and fountains, and dinners were filling to our souls. it was a great feeling to wander the streets, to get lost in the rain, to feel tiny and insignificant standing beneath walls built centuries before Jesus was born. i guess it's all apart of that "one with the world" thing.
everything up until this day has been great, but i think apart of me was holding back a bit. i look forward to the following days in Positano and Greece.
i haven't heard from ryan in over a week now. fuck it. there is nothing i can do about it. it is what it is and pining over it will not contribute or change the situation. at least now i can say my eyes are open a bit wider and i am shaken awake to the reality of our situation.
i am going to go home and carry with me this newness of life attitude and move on from him. i want to cultivate those relationships around me that are love filled, honest, and valuable (in the cosmic sense). i am no longer going to fight a war that doesn't exist, and i don't want to waist anymore time on something that isn't there.
this is not to say he isn't important to me or that the time we shared wasn't significant- i guess it's just an awareness and appreciation to the END of something that's over.
i am ready to live and move on in the peace and safety and sweetness of a world that embraces me.

1 comment:

  1. WOW! Your posts are really intriguing. (: Your life stories are exciting and I so love the part where you get to travel over Europe! (: