***

sometimes it is hard for me to accept when someone likes me beyond my gimics.

i don't doubt their sincerity. i doubt my self. which, in essence means i doubt my worth and that is sad.

i told myself that it was a saftey mechanism, but in reality it was anything but safe. deliberate heart break is self destructive, even when you are the one breaking hearts.

in the past i jumped into relationships too quickly, then after i got to know this other person i realized they weren't for me, or i was scared to make take the next step, or not ready, or already interested in someone else, or unwilling to move on... i habitually sabotaged any chance these relationships had to succeed.

truthfully i think i was unsure of what i needed in a man and i was shit scared to be completely honest, especially with myself.

so these past few months i have been working on this. i have been getting comfortable with myself and learning what it is i yearn for in another.

it wasn't until a few weeks ago that i met b. i think in my mind i actually said "oh shit" when i saw him walking up to me. after one conversation i knew that i wanted to be with him. i can't remember what we talked about, all i recall is how he looked me dead in the eyes the entire time.

maybe i am not ready? i am ready! maybe i should pace myself? yes, i think i will...

either way i have decided to take that chance and i am patiently pursuing him.

one day at a time i am learning his smiles and freckles and silly mannerisms... and although i haven't gotten it all figured out yet, every day we spend together i honestly learn a little bit more about what i need.

***the photos above are taken with my SX 70 Alpha, no auto focus, self timer, with 600 film, and an ND filter.