May 26, 2008

reciprocity




i don't think my art is that good. i don't think that it's original or ground breaking, or possessing a new level of truth, or any artistic bullshit like that. it's just this thing that i have to do.


i get an idea in my mind. i have a picture already made in my head. i think about it, and think about it some more, until it drives me absolutely fucking crazy, and i can't stand it any longer... and then i go home and make it.

i never expected for any of it to be any "good", or for people to understand it - let alone like it. but sometimes they do, and for me, that is such a great feeling. this is not because i need reassurance or because i'm on a vanity trip. i would keep creating, even if i lived on a deserted island, with no communication from the outside world. it just makes me feel less crazy when other people understand the things i do.

my parents don't get it. which is why i have always associated art with isolation. when i show them what i've been working on their response has always been something like this "why spend $100's of dollars on polaroid film - a medium that is falling into extinction? why bother with something that is so small and simple? why care so much about something that isn't making you money? why bother if this isn't what you studied in school? when will you get serious about your future?"


the fact that they even have to ask me these things only further solidifies a deeper truth that is really fucking tragic and hard for me to grasp. my parents have no idea who i am. they struggle to see me as i am, rather then how they want me to be.


i want to prove to them that what i am doing is something worth merit, something important, something they can be proud of, but at the same time i want to say "hey fuck you! you see this?!! no one will ever see it, or even care if i stop making it, but i will still go on. i will still create and it will be important, because it is important to me."


in very related news, i just found out i will have my first art show, at the urban outfitters in jacksonville, orlando, and a few stores in california. i will get the chance to show over 30 of my enlarged polaroid prints. to sell them. to put my heart out there. to see what it means to others.


one word comes to mind right now:


reciprocity.

4 comments:

  1. www.jeanburman.comJune 2, 2008 at 4:49 PM

    Bravo Colie! Boy can I relate!

    Don't ever think no-one is watching or no-one notices your work. Your work will always find it's way home if you remain true to your heart and just keep at it. Sometimes that's easier said than done... but I am here today (a total stranger) to give you that pat on the back and a little encouragement to go on because I believe you must.

    Great work by the way... :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. yeah, well, you know. parents just want a good future for you. can't blame them. my parents are the same, they can't see why i spend really thousands of dollars on camera's and stuff. i do it because i like it and i don't give a shit about money or future or whatever. so let us make photos!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You know what they say Mat... do what you love and the money will follow. Bravo to artists everywhere... living and working in a non-artist world. Even Vincent knew the problem! ;-) LOL

    ReplyDelete
  4. you guys rock!
    thanks for everything :)

    ReplyDelete