...

alot is going on all at once - as life would normally have it to do.

i'm feeling worse and worse each day. i can hardly sleep at night, my entire body aches, and all i can do is just learn how to deal with it, till D day.

on top of that i am stressing about money...and the only thing i hate more than stressing about money IS money.

i hate how it governs our lives - what we will do, what we wont, if we will eat, if we will not.

i am really struggling to find peace right now.
i've been going for walks and meditating.

i imagine something simple - a hand for example. then i focus all of my attention on this hand.

i remove every other thought inside my head - pain, money, bills, hunger, school, work, people, doubt, fear, love.... until i hear nothing, until there are no distractions, just this one single thought.

you see, it's not really about the hand. it's about removing yourself from the mental build up of stress - that very thing which is a personal prison for me. meditating is simply my way of getting back to simplicity and to finding that feeling again... the one i used to have as a kid - where i would suddenly feel something extrodinary inside my chest that i understood as happiness, because everything i needed i had, and that meant there was nothing to worry about.

slowly with vigillance i will get there.