driving around with a tree inside my car

it's so counter productive but it

helps me from wondering where you are

i pull up to a field

and drag

"she studied the paper and read in a strong voice, as if to an audience of more than one.

be sleepless

sleepless and thinking of me.

wanting me.

only me.

change right now.

change.

now i own your thoughts.

i own your breath.

i own your heart.

she folded the paper and tucked it back into her waits

now you're meant to always be mine, she said.

i didn't doubt it, neither then nor now. i believe the words entered me and changed me and still work in me. the words eat me and sustain me. and when i'm dead in a box in the dark dark ground, and all my various souls have died and i am nothing but insensible bones, something in the marrow will still feel yearning, desire persisting beyond flesh." thirteen moons page 152

the sun has returned, only temporarily and without warning, but non the less it was here, it was

"those three days and nights i had the best of both worlds, in that i had her and yearned for her at the same time. i looked down through the blue air, high above the corrugated world, bathed in various hues of light from dawn to dawn, privileged to be young at the highest pitch of green summer." thirteen moons, page 166.

the rain is finally starting to get to me. everything in sight is dark and dismal. the luminous clouds lurk above head, plotting and pining strategically for the exact moment you wonder off without an umbrella, to catch you in your finest hour and unleash it's watery trove. three times today i've been bombarded by the sky's torrential down pours. precarious in nature or deliberate attacks i wonder?

well the heavens above can wreak havoc on me all day long as far as i'm concerned, because it's finally friday and i've got a nice long weekend of life living ahead of me, no amount of water can dampen that. as a matter of fact i challenge the rain to persist. summer just isn't the same without swimming in the rain.

Polaroid Sx 70 Alpha. 600 Film.

today has been a battle of motivation. it's been raining non-stop since monday. they sky is grey and the air is heavy and palpable and advising me to turn around and go back to bed. i found this polaroid of myself wedged between the pages of a worn out copy of 13 moons. flipping through the chapters i took note of the passages underlined in ink:

"desire abides. it is all people have to stand proof against time. everything else is burned up by the sun and swept away with the tide." page 67

i tried to remember myself when i first read this story: the free thinking traveler, wandering the streets of barcelona and devouring life's freshest experiences without worry. my wild hair curled up around my face in a fashion ironically resembling a lions mane, with tired feet and a restless heart, i burned for true love... in me was this belief, that if i opened my heart up enough there would be no limits in love.

Polaroid Sx 70 Alpha. ND Filter. 600 Film.

i'm not going to write about how him anymore.

i'm not going to describe the sound of his voice when he'd whisper "goodnight" as we fell asleep together.

i won't even mention the softness of his touch.

and when i'm alone in my new room, i wont think about how he smelt after his morning shower, and how that sent would linger in the air after he left for work.

i'm going to erase my memories of waking up beside him and staring at his skin as he slept, pretending that his freckles were clovers covering a field.

there are consequences for the things we you do

and then there are consequences for the things we did not do.

it is over.

i have to face this

and move on.

in the night i called your name

one letter at a time

sprawled across the greenest grass

i buried that old heart of mine

Polaroid Sx 70 Alpha. Sx 70 Blend Film.

he was just a year a head of me

but that meant so much more back then you see

when the high school girls caught wind of me

they threw me in the mud

well i fought my way through the dark that night

i cursed the water and i cursed the light

but i learned to swim and i learned to fight

i am in the process of putting my life back together.

it still hurts. i have been having trouble finding the right words for things lately, so odds are i just need a little time to get my thoughts straightened out.

i will get back to posting photos more regularly very soon.
apologies for the lengthy sabbatical
and thank you for the kind words.

Polaroid Sx 70 Alpha. 600 Film. No Filter.

dear so and so,

good luck with your life from here on out. i hope that you can find peace in your heart.

i hope that you are happy with the last conversation you wanted to have with me, about money you want me to pay you.

i hope you do decide to get therapy in the future.

au revior simone has my heart.

what is there left to say?

i'm on my own again.

i'm exactly where i was one year ago. it's heart breaking really; so much love to lose, so much fight in me just defused.

all the little things add up don't they? they add up to a great deal in fact.

Polaroid Sx 70 Alpha. ND Filter. 600 Film.

now i know,

everything does happen for a reason.

if it weren't for a breaking heart, there would be no empty space, or the need to fill it.

i can't help but recall a conversation i had once about him. over tea i told my sister how my heart changes everyday. everyday i get a fraction of a millimeter happier and also a fraction of a millimeter sadder. not to say that they could cancel each other out. no. not at all. the fact that i got a little happier today doesn't change the fact that i also became a little sadder. every day i become a little bit more of both, which means that right now, at this exact moment i'm the happiest and saddest i've ever been in my life.

why, she asked me.

because, nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than him.

Lomo Fisheye.

i just got offered to shoot badland's trio, a locally known folk band, in jacksonville. i am incredibly excited and honored and racking my brain to come up with locations and concepts... i have also been really inspired by these people. they've inspired me to no ends with their beautiful pictures and have especially instilled the need to shoot more with my 35mm. this is definitely something i want to implement on the shoot with bandland's trio.

lately, it's been a time of self assessment and goal setting. i am determined to master my pentax asahi... last attempt i didn't even load the damn film right, so nothing even came out. not a single frame. definitely an amateur move, but fuck it. aren't we all beginners at one time or another? the other goal i am working towards is getting some of my prints up at the local shops and cafe's in orlando. i've learned how important it is for me to share my work, with no intentions of making a dime - but solely for the love of releasing my art out into the world.

Yashica A Model. 120 Fuji Film.

i can freeze in the place that

gets me free from this taste that

i have in my heart

and we can curl in the water

snaked swirling like otters

even though i'm not

i am always where you are