thinking

my dad's birthday is today. i cried because i missed him.

this new detergent smells like fruitloops. my sheets are making me hungry.

i ran out of clean clothes, so i'm wearing a bathing suit top under a sweater.

winter makes me feel soft and curvy.

le baiser means fuck it in french. this is useful.

grades are posted from finals. i did okay. school is exhausting and rarely rewarding.

oh no! oh my! is goodness and reminds me of mo mo and broken social scene. i can dance to this.

rhett and i walked in the woods last night. he is very sick. we talked a lot about God.

i like that it was super cold out. we hugged in the driveway and stared at our breath.

black coffee is disgusting but it makes me feel grown up.

i had a dream about sleeping in a boat in the ocean. it was peaceful.

marcus comes tomorrow across the atlantic, to be with me. i can't remember if i've loved him.

my hair is already long again. i am going to put it in braids.

i fear that no one will ever be enough for me. i am complacent to loneliness.

page 180 in the great gatsby is beautiful. i think i am like Nick.

i wrote this on my mirror:

"then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;

if you can bounce high, bounce for her too,

till she cry - lover, gold hatted, high bouncing lover,

i must have you."

it reminds me of a boy that i barely know and how much i still want him.

one time i heard someone say the rest of your life begins now. i think i understand.

airports remind me of...

waiting.

i sit here waiting and for what i do not know. a plane, a plan, a test, dinner, to fall asleep, to fall in love....

sometimes i feel like my entire life has been a waiting process. i am waiting for something, for something to happen, for something greater, for something more real. sometimes i feel like an apostrophe - a place keeper, a faint little mark to stand in for something more complete. a convention, barely more than nothing.

someday i expect for this feeling to just stop. maybe whatever i am waiting for will find me. maybe one day i will wake up and realize that i have nothing to wait for at all.

i can't really justify this feeling, which must make it sound even crazier. but try for a second, to remember how difficult it can be to put into words the things you feel inside of yourself, which have no words.

*****

i stood in the snow not too long ago. i looked at the sky and saw that it was changing. it moved in gusty waves of dark to light blue, and the falling bits of frozen water vapors danced all around me. i watched as the atmosphere fell from the clouds like tiny vessels, and i decided that flurry is the perfect word for what snow does. like a spectator i stared in awe. i let the icey flakes kiss my face awake and cling gracefully to my hair.

and despite the defiant winds, without any commotion whatsoever, time stood still. i stopped waiting.

old nessie

i found this today, stuffed inside my old copy of the dharma bums. it was written on the inside of a napkin, folded into a triangle, and holding my place between pages 171 and 172. judging by the topic of discussion i would date this circa 2006.

this is what i wrote:

i've been thinking about the size of the earth lately. i know that it's circumference is 25,000 miles across and it's diameter is 8,000 miles through.

a boy that i love, more than anyone else in the brief history of my past lovers, moved to the other side of the world last week. this means, by way of circumference, he is roughly 12,500 miles away from me. BUT, if i measured strait through to the other side, he is only 8,000 miles away - which is 4,500 miles closer to me. strange to think of it so, but he is closer to me through the planet. i like knowing that.

last night i walked to the construction site way out behind my house. i climbed down a tall rock pile into a valley forged by a rickety, old, john deer, and i laid down in the deepest part of it. i put my face to the earth. my heart beat into the dirt, and i felt comforted knowing that i was as close to him as i could possibly get at that moment.

i guess love makes you do crazy things.