memory like a roman candal

i can't decide whether it's an illness or a sin, the need to write everything down and freeze the flowing world into one rigid form. in a way, writing a thing down fixes it in place as surely as a photograph capturing a dangerous creature - rendurring it every bit as stationary, and every bit as false to the original thing, flat and still and harmless.

i write things down because i so desperatly need to remember my thoughts, and my ideas, and all the gutts of my heart.

i constantly find myself searching for proof that i have lived - as if my scars, and photos, and trivial pocket souveniers are not enough, i need documentation.

i do admitt however, that it does seem unjust - to cause this kind of grevious harm on such a wild thing that is our memory. but defying the very nature of our minds is indeed an honorable act. for our memories are rebellous. they are unmangable little vapors - who, if we are not quick to conceal, would gladly evaporate into the atmosphere. it is true that our memories posess the greatest power over us. not only are they able to change the entire history of our lives, should we permitt them so, but they can also abandon us completely. and god forbid a memory should escape you. for there is no bigger pain to the heart, than when a memory flees us.

this all reminds me of a jack kerouac line - "What is the feeling when you're driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? It's the too huge world vaulting us, and it's goodbye (on the road)." he wrote about leaving his past behind him, and how liberating it was, to watch his memories disipate into the horizon. jack kerouac wrote to remember what he forgot.

i write what i can recall and in amazement of myself. not of the things i have accomplished or not accomplished, but of the passions i can no longer control. i write to remember, to remind myself of when i was brave, and to keep alive my desire to live.

england dreaming

i haven't blogged in a month. i have been busy taking photos and dancing in circles and falling in and out of love with a boy who can see strait threw me.

last night i turned off the music, so i could hear the rain outside, and watched marcus pack his bags. i read to him, from the journal i kept during my europe travels. i felt a sadness in my stomach, like the one i get when i can't remember things about my dad. it's the going away thing. i hate it.

so here's some of my summer journal:

Aug. 11th (Saturday i think) - Train from Rome to Positano

i am much much much much more freer. every single thought that runs through my mind is positive and hopeful. they are like focused prayers that are being sent out to the universe and God and my heart and the sun and whatever else that exists around me. last night i sat on a rooftop for 3 hours, staring at the night sky in Rome, talking to Jonsey about my life, my dreams, my past, and everything that matters and doesn't, and how it's all very important and as much a part of me as the air i breathe. i finally realized, for the first time, that i am apart of everything in this world. i am as much of this pen and paper as my finger and toes are as much of me. i don't know why i never conceived this before. i guess i needed to be sitting on a roof in rome to realize it. either way, it's completely freeing, knowing that you are apart of everything and that everything around you is for you and is you. it totally changes your mind set. it's no longer me against the world, it's me and the world together on one level. everything is everything and relevant and necessary to me. i hope i can remember to be like this even after i get re-assimilated back home.

i love that all of us are together on the trip now (me, will, teen, jonsey, and reed). it's a great collective vibe. we are a family. we sing songs in the morning as we pack up our belongings, we challenge each others thinking, we discuss poop, and sex, and God, and seeing the world, and all the big and little things that make us want to keep learning about life.

rome was good to us. the coliseum, and ruins, and fountains, and dinners were filling to our souls. it was a great feeling to wander the streets, to get lost in the rain, to feel tiny and insignificant standing beneath walls built centuries before Jesus was born. i guess it's all apart of that "one with the world" thing.

everything up until this day has been great, but i think apart of me was holding back a bit. i look forward to the following days in Positano and Greece.

i haven't heard from ryan in over a week now. fuck it. there is nothing i can do about it. it is what it is and pining over it will not contribute or change the situation. at least now i can say my eyes are open a bit wider and i am shaken awake to the reality of our situation.

i am going to go home and carry with me this newness of life attitude and move on from him. i want to cultivate those relationships around me that are love filled, honest, and valuable (in the cosmic sense). i am no longer going to fight a war that doesn't exist, and i don't want to waist anymore time on something that isn't there.

this is not to say he isn't important to me or that the time we shared wasn't significant- i guess it's just an awareness and appreciation to the END of something that's over.

i am ready to live and move on in the peace and safety and sweetness of a world that embraces me.

teach me pompei

another journal entry:

August 13th, Monday - Train from Naples to somewhere in Greece.

i miss home tragically. i think what i miss most about it though are the people i love there and being able to interact and communicate with them. after 42 days of traveling i have learned quite a bit about myself. i have gotten to the point where i am completely devoid of concern for food, clothes, makeup, and all the other superficial accouterments that once occupied my thoughts. i think a lot about cody, and heather, and courtnie, casey too (surprisingly), ryan, marcus, running, and that's basically it.

this morning i woke up and walked out onto our balcony, over looking the Sorento Gulf and Positano's beach. i sat there for a good hour and talked to God about my heart. i thanked Him for this place, and my life, and spiritual grace. i watched as brightly colored boats raced up and down the jetties, and weaved in between one another like a carefully orchestrated stunt team.

yesterday was amazing. we rented a boat and explored the coastlines of the Amalfie Coast. we found a little grotto that opened up at the base of a massive cliff. when i dove into the water i swear i lost my breath, it was that cold. we all swam against the current into the dark depths of some un-fortold mediterranean cave and found a glowing beam of light coming up from under the water. logically it must of come from some opening above us, but we were too tired and cold for logic. it was magic to us then and i wouldn't like to think of it any other way now.

to be honest, the trip has gotten so much more fun with the guys. we have bonded like a proper tribe. our make shift family is no longer just exotic chocolate (the rediculous name we call ourselves), but something much more. teen gets on with reed and i've had some great times with jonsey. will has been kinda moody, but that's to be expected with this type of traveling at such a long period of time.

right now we are in route to greece. we have something like 11 hours of traveling to do today. i am pleased to say we are pro's at the train commuting thing now. at first it's so confusing, and then it feels boring just sitting there, and of course irritating to be around smelly strangers. after 37 train rides in 42 days we have learned how to deal and make it fun- i write, listen to music, sleep, take pictures, think, read, pray, drink,watch the guys super glue euro's to the floor, slip n' slide down the hallways, swing on polls, and just laugh with the friends who have recently become the closest things to family members i know in this chapter of my life. (click here and see for yourself)

we passed mt. vesuvius today. i read all about the history of pompei and thought a lot about how all those people died so tragically. their entire lives and community was cemented and locked in time by volcanic ash. less dramatically and completely empathetical i can sort of relate to these people. i even admire them. one day they woke up, went about their day like any other, tending to their lives and jobs and children, then out of nowhere, in an instant, they are epically locked into time for all eternity. their lives are no longer remedial, rather they are time capsules for history books to recite and critique and immortalize. everything they lived for and accomplished was going to end sooner or later. what most likely would have been worn away and forgotten in the passing of time is now a molten monument.

my life is very basic and in no way epic. history books will more than likely never mention me and my minor life accomplishments will probably go forgotten a few years after my death. i am okay with that. i guess that's the difference between me now and me 10 years ago. as a kid i had this intense fear of being forgotten, of leading a life that left no humanitarian legacy behind. now i kind of scoff at that notion. perhaps it's because it alludes to a life lived for something other than myself. and as i see more of the world i see more of myself. the world opens up for me and complicates itself with cities, languages, borders, trains, religions - all the while i become increasingly more focused and simple. things that once were important to me are no longer my concerns. the world and my place in it is very basic and cosmically plane. i am the one who complicates this union, with cell phones, colleges, car payments, and romantic conquests.

somewhere there is a balance and i am loving every moment i spend, completely removed from the norm, finding out what that is.

be brave

August 18th, Saturday - Corfu Airport.

i am so sad to be leaving Greece. i have had the most incredible adventures here. in the 6 short days we spent on the small island of corfu i have accomplished much. i jumped off of 3 cliffs into the middle of the adriatic sea, i kayaked to athena's island, and stood where ulysses and odysseus contemplated the greatest voyage of all time. i sat in the hot springs, sipped uzo with australians, swam in the clearest waters, basked under the Greek sun, danced the nights away with lovely boys in a noisy poladium, sneaking kisses and smiles, and feeling so alive that i thought for sure i would die happy right then and there.

its such a special thing, to travel the world and meet other travelers along the way. i have realized that even though these people come from other countries, much more diverse than mine, completely foreign to me, 1000's of miles away from everything i know, communicating in other languages, they are still just like me. in spite of everything that separates us, we are strongly connected. we share a unique drive and desire to see the world, to take it all in, and to figure out who we are from it. and there is no language barrier, custom, or tradition, that can hamper such a bond.

a few days ago, a group of like 15 people, including myself, climbed the cliffs of athena's island. we rang the bell at the peaks church tower. 1 ring for safe travels, 2 for love, 3 for figuring out what to do with your life, 4 for good timing, 5 for good luck in the after life, and 6 to the mystery gods. then we all sat around, exhausted from the swim and climb- we drank cactus moonshine and talked about the things we've seen in corfu. we were all cementing that moment in our minds for eternity. i could feel it.

the next day 30 or 40 of us climbed onto a rickety old sailboat and set out into the great unknown. nervousness pitted in the bottom of my belly as we swayed along the high sea's in search of diving cliffs. the first one was over 50 ft high and insanely intimidating. the scary thing about cliff diving isn't necessarily the jump, rather its the climb to the top. i scaled a 50 foot high, slimy, slippery mountain, soaking wet, in rubber sandals. i swear i could feel my heart beating in my throat.

after that jump we went to another cliff that was actually located inside a cave. i can remember diving off the boat into the water, looking up into the lofty abyss, thinking that this is where they must have filmed the movie goonies. about 15 of us swam as far back into this cave as we possibly could, until it was completely pitch black, and we couldn't see a single thing. bat's were zipping over our heads and on the count of three we all screamed together at the top of our lungs. why? well, why not? no to mention, teen and i had consumed enough greek beer to muster up the courage to jump the cliff half naked. no regrets!

our final stop was a deserted island with a beach so beautiful, i could scarcely concieve it. the shoreline was covered in a million tiny stones, which resembled snow more so than sand. i burried reed up to his neck it in it, and laughed threw my stomach as he drunkenly stumbled out of what he called an early grave. this was a day for the books! everyone was swimming, and singing, and melting together, like the community robinson crusoe must have craved for himself in such a lonely paradise. i was crushing hard on joel- a dark haired australian boy, with a swimmers body and angry eyebrows. we played football under the setting sun and i stole some guys straw hat. the ride back to corfu is a bit foggy, but i know that joel made his move and kissed me. never before has a kiss felt so sealed and final. later that night we climbed up onto the roof of the pink palace, we laid on our beach towels, and stared up at the constellations. i found cassiopeia. the universe was ours.

life is short but sweet for certain. i will miss you greece.

in 2 days i will be back home. i don't know what to think about that. i'm all mixed up about it. i look forward to sleeping in my own bed, to having clean sheets, a nice shower, and to getting back into a running routine. at the same time, those are the very things i loved abandoning while away. i love how it no longer matters what you wear and how many days in a row you wear it. i love how sleep is a waist of time. time is for living, i will sleep when i'm dead. i love not being bothered with errands, ex boyfriends, cellphones, credit cards, traffic jams, and shopping malls. all the little things that leech onto your days and distract you from experiencing the simplest beauties of life.

once teen and i got to the airport i was finally able to get onto a computer and check my emails, for the first time in 2 weeks. ryan sent me his 4th email in 50 days. it was the most bland, generic, cheese-dick message of all time. i am amazed by his disconcern and am pretty sure he's no longer interested in being with me. this of course comes to no real big surprise. we have been drifting apart this entire trip, mainly due to his lack of communication. it is careless and it hurts, but i embrace it as the best thing for my life at this point.

in the durration of this journy i have grown. i have grown to know a new side of myself - someone i am proud to be. someone with an air of assurity, an assurity of the goodness in life. someone with an eagerness to learn and know. someone with a calm joy tucked away inside the most sacred parts of her heart. i have grown fond of life and the seemingly, never-ending abundance in which it presents itself to me. "live me!" she says! the world is waiting for us. the world is dieing to show us who we are and who we can be in her. i have grown to love the vagabon souls who ventured along side of me, blessed by their presence alone, this trip would be significantly less without them. i have grown in leaps and bounds, no longer plagued by petty little problems, like boys who can't keep up with me. i've grown to be brave, to take risks, to seize every second in every day, to look at life as an opportunity, to say fuck it at times and jump a few cliffs, to face every fear and doubt and worry and laugh at them. i have grown to know life as a living entity, so mysterious, so volatile, always changing, and moving along side of me, challenging me to be something more.

be brave be brave be brave be brave